- Laura L. Van Tassel, Esq.
Reconciliation after separation. Is it a good idea?
Some couples end their relationship because of unresolvable differences or conflicts that can’t be accepted. Others decide to get separated because they simply need time and space to think. Getting back together after separation is a big decision. It can be tricky to know how you really feel or when you have passed the point of no return. There is no formula that will tell you if getting back together after separation is a good idea for you and your family. So how do you know if reconciliation is a better choice than staying apart and rebuilding a new life without your ex? To help you figure things out, ask yourself the following four questions:
Did your partner fulfill your needs?
Did the relationship really fulfill your needs on a day to day basis, was he or she emotionally there for you? Did your ex look out for your welfare and happiness – and vice versa? Were the relationship foundations in place. Relationship foundations include: Love (erotic, friendship, caring), Trust, Respect, Willingness to Communicate/Resolve Conflict, Empathy (understanding how the other person is feeling) and Commitment – if they aren’t there – Don’t go back!
Have you overcome what went wrong the first time?
Ask yourself honestly what went wrong. Do you both agree on what went wrong? If you are not one the same page, chances are if you don’t that reconciling won’t work. If you both agree to what went wrong, and both agree to working to change the relationship, then quite simply change it.
When you argue do you sort things out after?
It’s natural to disagree from time to time. Most couples bicker and argue but how often does this happen between you? Think back – have you argued for a long time and how fundamental are these arguments? When the bickering is over, do you park the argument and move on? Being able to resolve conflict is a fundamental of any relationship. If the the same issues come up, and then maybe it’s time to move on.
Do you want to make things work?
A relationship can’t work if only one person is committed to working on it. If you’ve both have faith that it can work, then give it another go. There are many reasons people stay in unfulfilling relationships – for some, it becomes a way of life they choose, either consciously or unconsciously, or feel trapped in because of confused loyalties or the mistaken belief its best for the kids. You both have believe that you can be happy together and it’s a relationship that supports you both to fulfill your dreams and goals. Contemplate what you want from the relationship and whether this one has any real prospect of making you both genuinely happy.
The final word about marriage reconciliation:
Sometimes, reconciling can work, but it requires a commitment from both spouses to change. A separation may not be the end of your marriage, but rather a second chance to rebuild and improve your marriage relationship. In many cases, after mediation from the third party, communication between spouses can become smoother and more honest.